My experience with meditation is akin to my experience in life. My attitude towards asana practice over the years has been built upon an unconscious notion of holding on to something. This manifests in many ways, such as a striving to achieve a full expression of a posture, or a want to achieve a perfect relaxed mind in savasana. My entire life too has been characterised by a kind of grasping for achievement, a need to create and imitate expectations. I now understand the paradoxical nature of this perspective.

If the principal objective is the fulfilment of expectations, will the actuality of the moment ever truly be experienced and appreciated for what it is, without comparison to some imagined other?

The answer to this is clear, yet the question seemed to slip unnoticed by my mind for years. It’s hard to objectively consider something like this if one’s sense of self is carried up in the thoughts themselves. How do we know if we are creating expectations when we don’t even realise that we are not wholly constituted by the thoughts themselves?

My Meditation Journey in the Himalayas. Yes, I did a meditation training

In my meditation teacher training I glimpsed the power of awareness. Through understanding of practice in a philosophical, and experiential sense, I became aware that my previous pattern of habitually being driven by my ego to fulfil ‘achievements’ rooted in expectation was really effective at providing me with what I want, not what I actually need. I learnt that if you can observe without judgement the thoughts, sensations, and experiences of the body, you are better equipped to ethically pursue what is best for you long term.

Throughout my teacher training, relaxation and meditation practice had an incredibly profound impact upon my capacity to surrender, and gain understanding into deep processes of change in my mind and body.

Let go of Expectations; Surrender the Ego

The first understanding I gained through meditation was of the importance of surrendering the ego. Identifying the difference between my ‘self’ and my thoughts was initially helpful. Yet I still found myself constantly caught up in planning about the future, or memories of the past. After some time and practice, I realised the triviality of all of these make-believe situations my brain was circling. The pointlessness of my mind’s charades revealed themselves as completely devoid of substance and productive purpose. Though many times throughout my life I had been instructed to consider the importance of remaining in the moment, it wasn’t until experiencing the significance of this in meditation that I was fully able to surrender to the present. Though in honesty, each time I meditate will be an ongoing process of learning to let go, to simply glimpse the present moment with awareness is for me to see a sanity I had never before known existed. This sight is one of the profound benefits of surrendering.

The only thing certain about life is that it will be full of uncertainty

Throughout my life, I have experienced many times in which the world I had thought stable completely threw me upside down. For example, when my apartment burnt down in 2016, the physical environment I had been heavily attached to, and sourced a sense of security from, was destroyed. I remember sitting in the office of my psychologist who reassured me that I was in control. She spoke of the importance of knowing that I had autonomy, and could control my life. I believed her, despite all available evidence shouting otherwise. Why, I wonder, are we so reassured by the notion of controlling our lives? When I try to control my life, it tends to manifest in slightly obsessive disorders, or anxiety at the lack of control I have in actuality. In this course I learnt that control is an illusion created by the ego to serve its needs. The path my life will take is not in my hands, so why do I keep trying to hold onto it? The only thing certain about life is that it will be full of uncertainty, and death. As pessimistic as this may seem, that is what truly reassures me now. If one can surrender, and develop the capacity to relax in the face of uncertainty, so much suffering will automatically vanish. So much anguish and anxiety has been caused by my mind alone, simply through extreme efforts to control my life. I imagine that if I had simply surrendered to the events of my housefire, the emotions still would have been present, but would not have caused such pain and anxiety for years afterwards. My pain was rooted in the futile quest for control.

Let go of control; Simply believe that everything will work out

I consider myself a very spiritual person; I try to meditate often, and consider existence or day to day happenings. Upon later reflection it became clearer to me: my lack of spiritual faith can be connected to the struggles I have with fully surrendering. I tend to have a sceptical, over scientific perspective; I do struggle to accept faith fully. I believe that surrendering to spirituality fully could impact the physical problems associated with this critical vertebra, which is the true intersection between the body and the brain. I am excited to pursue a journey of completely surrendering through yoga.

Thoracic vertebrae too is a place where I hold much tension. I now understand how tension comes from the mind, and the importance of freeing the body and mind to release it. The 1 st Thoracic vertebra is related to the lower arms, fingers, and hands. Symptoms of issues here include stiffness in the neck and shoulders. For many years I have struggled with tension headaches, and an incredibly tense neck and shoulders for my age. I also often experience twinges of pain in my forearms and hands when clasping my hands behind my back, or squeezing anything in my palm. Blockages related to the Thoracic vertebra are connected to feeling alone, being overburdened, and having a loss of faith in things working out. I definitely connect to these emotions. At many times I have felt as though the world was on my shoulders, and had no idea of how to see the potential of a positive future for myself, or those around me. I now see that there is the potential to heal these emotions, and the physical pains associated with them. I need to simply believe that everything will work out, and understand that even if it doesn’t, worrying about imagined possibilities that I cannot change will only harm me. I need to practice relaxing, and surrendering.

Awareness and meditation

Learning about these connections between body and mind provided me much insight into my own emotional blockages surrounding surrender. It also encouraged my understanding into the ways in which physical manifestations in the body impact the mind, and vice versa. To clear the mind, one can clear the body through detoxification and yogic practices, and to clear the body, one can clear the mind through ethical awareness and meditation. Key to both of these ways of healing is surrendering fully to the process, otherwise transformation will not occur.

The heart knows the way forward

It is supremely important to be able to distinguish which voice inside you speaks the truth. In both anatomy and philosophy, we learnt how the heart functions as a kind of other brain. The heart voice always speaks the truth, and will illuminate the right path. The voice of the ego must learn to surrender to the heart which knows the way forward.

These teachings accidentally became very applicable to my experience. Following the afternoon asana practice which was focused on the heart space, we were lying down, with our chests open in relaxation. The instructions given directed us to fill ourselves with gratitude and love. At the beginning, I felt a warmth flood my body. I pictured the beautiful people in my life, and felt how grateful I am for them. However, despite my trying to sustain this emotion, it passed after a few minutes, and my heart spoke to my eyes which began to cry silently. I was bewildered; I had no idea what had caused this sudden and overwhelming sadness. I kept trying to think of those I loved, while I gave myself space to feel the sadness. It is supremely important to let energy flow. Surrendering to emotions when they arise can prevent them being blocked, built up, and ready to explode through the next gate which opens, or remain inside and cause harm to the body and mind.

Whatever happens just allow yourself to be present with awareness

All of a sudden, as I was feeling both love and sadness, a vision of a face arose very clearly in my consciousness. I felt a wave of anxiety flow throughout my body. In just a few seconds I understood fully the true nature of the dilemma I had been trying to solve, and the pain I had been trying to cure for years. The person I saw had hurt me very deeply many years ago, yet I had never understood the truth of my care for them. I had always felt sadness and anger at this person, and so suppressed my love. It seems absurd to love someone who has caused so much pain. However, as I surrendered to these emotions, I understood that despite their absurdity, these feelings have to be given space and be accepted in order to let true healing begin.

It is astounding to me that despite my years of searching for insight and understanding into the true nature of the pain in my subconscious, all I needed to do was surrender with awareness. If you go looking for something by grasping, and holding on to the possibility of a solution, the truth will surely evade you. If you surrender to whatever happens and allow yourself to be present with awareness, the truth will sing so loudly that you will wonder how you never saw what was always just beneath the surface.

– Felicity